Went to the doctor's yesterday for my three-week follow-up. I mentioned I was having some pain when I took one of my meds, due to it being a pill instead of chewable or liquid, he said: "Oh, that's typical for gastric bypass patients; your stomach can't handle those hard pills yet. Wait 5 or 6 months and you'll be fine. In the mean time they have a liquid form. I'll write you a script." Got the script filled on the way home. Problem solved.
Took my first dose of it this morning and promptly lost all 2oz of my breakfast.
I should have read the directions more closely. Apparently I got the "concentrated" formula which means I should mix it with something instead of taking it straight. The word "Vile" (yeah, that's a capital V) describes the taste of this undiluted liquid med. I can choke down cough medicines, huge pills, and even over-cooked spinach, but this stuff?! No way. Ugggh! It's been over 4 hours and I can still taste it, even though I've gargled and rinsed two times. Lesson learned.
Now for something completely different. :-)
I've recently read that most men are reluctant to talk about their emotions. It's a learned behaviour. I won't go into any kind of discourse as to why this is right or wrong, or who's fault it is that men remain mute about their emotions, even in situations where it is perfectly appropriate (and expected) to discuss how they feel.
Instead, I will talk about some of the feelings in my emotional cache that have been bubbling up to the top lately.
Four days after my surgery I started thinking about the things I wouldn't be able to eat. Those things which, even two years from now, I wouldn't be allowed to have. And none of that bothered me. But, then I realized, even those things I could have (like a cheeseburger), I wouldn't be able to have a normal portion ever again. That really depressed me. I started thinking about how much I enjoyed chowing on those big portions, and drinking soda... I'll never be able to do that again (physically), and that realization started me spiraling down into a deep, dark emotional place.
At that moment, and for days after, I couldn't figure out how I allowed myself to have the surgery! What the hell was I thinking?!!? I was mad at myself for not trying harder to lose weight without the surgery. I started wondering if it was too late to go back and have it reversed.
It was bad.
[Deep breath]
I did some reading over the next few days and discovered that post-op depression is extremely common among gastric bypass patients. One author likened the feelings to those experienced by people mourning the loss of a loved one.
In this case, though, the loved one is FOOD. Much like a great friend or family member, food has always been there, ready to comfort me. No matter what, I could always depend on a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich to sooth my nerves. But now, after surgery, I've had the hard realization that many important aspects of that friend will never again be accessible to me: breads, pasta, carbonation, and sugars. And more importantly, that I am forever restricted in how much of that friend I can enjoy at one time.
Mourning the loss of a friend sucks.
I'm doing better now, emotionally, but I still have days where things seem overwhelmingly tough to deal with. Most of the time it's because I haven't had enough water, or tried something new and my stomach is protesting. It's at those times, now, that I find myself reaching for the phone to call a friend, rather than heading to the kitchen to find one.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. This has been a humbling experience. I'm grateful to have such great friends to lean on each day.
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 24
Weight Lost: 62 lbs
That's Like Carrying Around: Twelve 5lb bags of sugar
I think of you all the time and keep up the amazing work! Remember, there's always the Viking.. he's a good listener -- even though he has a mini schnauzer!
ReplyDeleteI should have a couple of days off this week and I'll give you a call!
Give my best to Holly and Alex!
Rose
Oh Steve, you are so wonderful! You are such a great person and those weird things that guys do, you always look past that for the human factor of it, not testosterone! The sad part is that now that I have gained weight, I think about why I can't eat smaller portions (after I already ate 3 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of stromboli) and wish that I had more will power to do so. I struggle with my weight all the time and am just not willful enough to do anything about it...which brings on other issues but another time for that! lol I give you so much respect and admiration for taking the step to do something about it!! Someone told me something the other day that made me think and I would like to share it with you. She said "I look at food as strictly nutrition and to sustain my energy, not as comfort or anything else. Once you can take a different perspective of food, you will lose weight and keep it off!" WHICH IS THE HARDEST THING EVER TO DO! ;-) Take care and call me when you need to talk!!
ReplyDeleteNot comforting with food has been an immediate requirement of your surgery, but the emotional piece is more complex. There was a time, when I was beating Bulimia as a young adult, that I wondered if I would ever have a "normal" relationship with food again. I was so accustomed to using the binge/purge cycle for anything uncomfortable, that it was indeed the kind of loss you speak of when I stopped cold turkey. But over time, as I grew to understand and accept the fact that I could neither control every little thing in my life, nor assuage certain emotions, I began to develop new and healthier ways to deal with life's volleys, like eexercising/sports, writing, and self-acceptance (versus perfectionism).
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, Steve...and I have the feeling that you are going to look back and be glad that you took action for yourself, and for those who enjoy life more with you in it!