Hi Everyone!
It's been a bit since my last entry. As with so many things in my life, I really wanted to spend the time to write some great blog post that would inspire everyone, but in the end I just didn't make the time to do it. So, no post for many months.
Luckily for me, though, I have fantastic friends like Betsy, who doesn't take any of my crap and simply states: "Write a post, Steve. Just write it!"
So, here's my post! :-)
My weight loss has continued, but at a much reduced rate. I lost about 180lbs in 8 months, then over the next 8 months I lost another 40, which brings me to my current weight loss total of 220lbs. That sounds like alot of weight; and believe me, it is; but since I'm being perfectly honest here, I need to let you know that for a long time I felt as if I somehow cheated the "weight loss" system.
Maybe some background will help explain my thoughts.
I've watched so many people in my life struggle for years just to lose 10 or 15 lbs. They work out, go on these insanely restrictive diets, exercise some more, but in the end, are unable to take off the pounds. Then I look at myself, and I feel like I've done so little work in order to enjoy the benefits of dropping almost a 1/2 my body weight in fat. The guilt has been pretty strong - and it made me really uncomfortable talking about my weight loss, because I had a constant fear that people would view my surgery as a cop-out, as a cheat, and would judge me as someone that really hadn't accomplished anything - "He just let the doctors make it easy for him."
This bothered me for a long time, until I talked it through with a few friends, and I came to realize that what I gave up in order to get this accelerated weight loss is gone forever. It's not a diet, or a quick-fix exercise program. It's a permanent restriction on what I can eat and how much. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life... EVER!
If you read some of my early blog posts, it's clear I was in mourning shortly after surgery; I was mouring the loss of my friend "food." It's been a very slow emotional process to come to grips with this loss, and to some extent I still struggle with it each day.
A great example of this is when I get stressed.
In the time before my surgery if I got stressed at work, or something going on at home, I would easily calm myself down with food. It wasn't any particular food, but something high in calories and fat would do the job the best. A burger, fries, and an extra-large vanilla shake would do the trick every time!
But now, after surgery, when I find myself stressed, I can't reach for a candy bar, or a big cheese burger, which of course causes me even more stress to realize I can't comfort myself that way ever again! That' why I am 100% certain that without the surgery, I would easily and quickly revert to my old ways and gain the weight right back.
Knowing this makes the loss a bit easier to cope.
In a way, the surgery has forced my hand. I had to figure out how to deal with that stress on my own, without that soothing drug called food.
So no matter how small of an effort this surgery seems to some folks, I'm here to say: "It's really hard to not be able to eat whatever, whenever, and how ever much I want, ever again my life."
In other news (nice transition, eh?) I have picked up a new hobby. I've always been a fan of the industrial age, and of a simpler time when steam-power ruled. In fact, it has been the inspiration for an entire genre which emerged back in the late 50's, starting with the TV series "Flash Gordon", called "Steampunk."
I started by transforming Alex's old Nerf Pistol into a steampunk revolver. I sold it on eBay to a guy that dresses in steampunk-style clothes, and needed this gun to complete his look for the next Steampunk convention he was attending.
Merging that into my love of lighting and electricity, my most recent creation was a steampunk lamp. The reception of eBay was surprisingly good for my first attempt. I already have lots of great ideas for the next one, which I'll be working on during my Christmas vacation.
Steampunk Creations: https://plus.google.com/photos/116060370254255246168/albums/5928810483019622001?authkey=CMW_4_jK5-qjcg
I hope you've enjoyed reading this. Have a great holiday and a wonderful new year!!
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
-Steve
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Mpnths Since Surgery: 17
Weight Lost: 220lbs
That's like carrying around a very well fed, good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Brain Lag
Hi everyone! It's been a busy couple months since I last wrote. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. A real whirlwind time of the year, as you all know!
It was a season of firsts for me: First time I was able to walk the entire Halloween route with the kids and not be winded (or even sweat) once. The first time I was able to eat 6oz of food in one sitting... and ironically that meal was Thanksgiving dinner. And it was the first Christmas in a LOOooooong time that I received clothes that were actually the right size or even slightly big.
I've been struggling with the extreme disconnect between my mental self image and the image other see of me. In my mind, I am still the 400+ lb Steve I've known for the past 10+ years, struggling to lean over to get things, winded when taking a flight of steps, and too big to wear normal clothing. While logically I can read the scale and see that I've lost alot of weight, and I can physically see myself in a mirror and see that my body size has shrunk, my brain hasn't caught up.
Old behaviors, or rather coping mechanisms, I needed when I was so overweight are still with me, even though I don't need them anymore. For example, when I need to pick something up, I lean on something (counter top, table, chair, another person) to bend over and get it, because when I had all that weight on me, it was hard to keep my balance and even harder to get back up. But now, holding onto something actually restricts my movements and I'm not able to reach things unless I remember that I don't need to do that, and instead just lean down normally, in which case I can easily reach the floor and pick up whatever it is that I needed.
In reading other blogs and talking to other people who have had similar levels of weight loss, I've learned that it will take quite a while for my brain to catch up with my body; perhaps years to completely catch up. In the mean time, I'll continue to try to remember that I'm not as big as I once was, and use that to help me through those rare occasions when I question my decision to go this route. That's an issue I don't think will ever go away completely, but it is at least on the decline.
Another strange thing has happened in the last two months: I'm cold! All the time!! I don't mean "chilly" or "slightly chilled"... I'm actually REALLY COLD! This is a new experience for me in my life. I have always been warm, even in the dead of winter, I wear shorts and t-shirts to keep myself from overheating. 72deg was a sauna in my mind. But now that I've lost that layer of fat insulation so rapidly, my body can't regulate it's own temperature anymore.
It's gotten so bad that while sitting in my home office I'll sometimes wear two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, with a jacket on top, and a hat! I have to sit on my hands to keep them warm enough that I can type. There are plenty of you reading this right now laughing yourself silly! Go ahead, enjoy it while you can. My brain and body will get reconnected some day and I'll go back to my normal hot-Steve. :-)
I'm in California this week. It's been a few months since my last visit to my employer (http://www.wonderware.com), so it is nice to be back in the land of sun and fun. Unfortunately, they are having a cold spell. At least I don't feel bad about being cold in Southern CA. hehe.
On a final note, I have continued my exercise since September. It's been hard, mainly because I hate exercise, even after losing weight. It's just the thought of expending all that energy without any immediate results; I mean, honestly, if I'm going to work up a sweat doing something, I want significant change - like a new garden at the end of the day, or a pile of wood split, or a room painted. Having a pile of sweat-soaked clothes at the end of the workout is not what I would call rewarding. But, then again, let's be honest here: That's the attitude that got me to where I was in June. So, let's not lend too much credit to that mindset, ok?
That's it for me today. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 225
Weight Lost: 172lbs
That's like carrying around a good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
It was a season of firsts for me: First time I was able to walk the entire Halloween route with the kids and not be winded (or even sweat) once. The first time I was able to eat 6oz of food in one sitting... and ironically that meal was Thanksgiving dinner. And it was the first Christmas in a LOOooooong time that I received clothes that were actually the right size or even slightly big.
I've been struggling with the extreme disconnect between my mental self image and the image other see of me. In my mind, I am still the 400+ lb Steve I've known for the past 10+ years, struggling to lean over to get things, winded when taking a flight of steps, and too big to wear normal clothing. While logically I can read the scale and see that I've lost alot of weight, and I can physically see myself in a mirror and see that my body size has shrunk, my brain hasn't caught up.
Old behaviors, or rather coping mechanisms, I needed when I was so overweight are still with me, even though I don't need them anymore. For example, when I need to pick something up, I lean on something (counter top, table, chair, another person) to bend over and get it, because when I had all that weight on me, it was hard to keep my balance and even harder to get back up. But now, holding onto something actually restricts my movements and I'm not able to reach things unless I remember that I don't need to do that, and instead just lean down normally, in which case I can easily reach the floor and pick up whatever it is that I needed.
In reading other blogs and talking to other people who have had similar levels of weight loss, I've learned that it will take quite a while for my brain to catch up with my body; perhaps years to completely catch up. In the mean time, I'll continue to try to remember that I'm not as big as I once was, and use that to help me through those rare occasions when I question my decision to go this route. That's an issue I don't think will ever go away completely, but it is at least on the decline.
Another strange thing has happened in the last two months: I'm cold! All the time!! I don't mean "chilly" or "slightly chilled"... I'm actually REALLY COLD! This is a new experience for me in my life. I have always been warm, even in the dead of winter, I wear shorts and t-shirts to keep myself from overheating. 72deg was a sauna in my mind. But now that I've lost that layer of fat insulation so rapidly, my body can't regulate it's own temperature anymore.
It's gotten so bad that while sitting in my home office I'll sometimes wear two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, with a jacket on top, and a hat! I have to sit on my hands to keep them warm enough that I can type. There are plenty of you reading this right now laughing yourself silly! Go ahead, enjoy it while you can. My brain and body will get reconnected some day and I'll go back to my normal hot-Steve. :-)
I'm in California this week. It's been a few months since my last visit to my employer (http://www.wonderware.com), so it is nice to be back in the land of sun and fun. Unfortunately, they are having a cold spell. At least I don't feel bad about being cold in Southern CA. hehe.
On a final note, I have continued my exercise since September. It's been hard, mainly because I hate exercise, even after losing weight. It's just the thought of expending all that energy without any immediate results; I mean, honestly, if I'm going to work up a sweat doing something, I want significant change - like a new garden at the end of the day, or a pile of wood split, or a room painted. Having a pile of sweat-soaked clothes at the end of the workout is not what I would call rewarding. But, then again, let's be honest here: That's the attitude that got me to where I was in June. So, let's not lend too much credit to that mindset, ok?
That's it for me today. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 225
Weight Lost: 172lbs
That's like carrying around a good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
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