Hi Everyone!
It's been a bit since my last entry. As with so many things in my life, I really wanted to spend the time to write some great blog post that would inspire everyone, but in the end I just didn't make the time to do it. So, no post for many months.
Luckily for me, though, I have fantastic friends like Betsy, who doesn't take any of my crap and simply states: "Write a post, Steve. Just write it!"
So, here's my post! :-)
My weight loss has continued, but at a much reduced rate. I lost about 180lbs in 8 months, then over the next 8 months I lost another 40, which brings me to my current weight loss total of 220lbs. That sounds like alot of weight; and believe me, it is; but since I'm being perfectly honest here, I need to let you know that for a long time I felt as if I somehow cheated the "weight loss" system.
Maybe some background will help explain my thoughts.
I've watched so many people in my life struggle for years just to lose 10 or 15 lbs. They work out, go on these insanely restrictive diets, exercise some more, but in the end, are unable to take off the pounds. Then I look at myself, and I feel like I've done so little work in order to enjoy the benefits of dropping almost a 1/2 my body weight in fat. The guilt has been pretty strong - and it made me really uncomfortable talking about my weight loss, because I had a constant fear that people would view my surgery as a cop-out, as a cheat, and would judge me as someone that really hadn't accomplished anything - "He just let the doctors make it easy for him."
This bothered me for a long time, until I talked it through with a few friends, and I came to realize that what I gave up in order to get this accelerated weight loss is gone forever. It's not a diet, or a quick-fix exercise program. It's a permanent restriction on what I can eat and how much. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life... EVER!
If you read some of my early blog posts, it's clear I was in mourning shortly after surgery; I was mouring the loss of my friend "food." It's been a very slow emotional process to come to grips with this loss, and to some extent I still struggle with it each day.
A great example of this is when I get stressed.
In the time before my surgery if I got stressed at work, or something going on at home, I would easily calm myself down with food. It wasn't any particular food, but something high in calories and fat would do the job the best. A burger, fries, and an extra-large vanilla shake would do the trick every time!
But now, after surgery, when I find myself stressed, I can't reach for a candy bar, or a big cheese burger, which of course causes me even more stress to realize I can't comfort myself that way ever again! That' why I am 100% certain that without the surgery, I would easily and quickly revert to my old ways and gain the weight right back.
Knowing this makes the loss a bit easier to cope.
In a way, the surgery has forced my hand. I had to figure out how to deal with that stress on my own, without that soothing drug called food.
So no matter how small of an effort this surgery seems to some folks, I'm here to say: "It's really hard to not be able to eat whatever, whenever, and how ever much I want, ever again my life."
In other news (nice transition, eh?) I have picked up a new hobby. I've always been a fan of the industrial age, and of a simpler time when steam-power ruled. In fact, it has been the inspiration for an entire genre which emerged back in the late 50's, starting with the TV series "Flash Gordon", called "Steampunk."
I started by transforming Alex's old Nerf Pistol into a steampunk revolver. I sold it on eBay to a guy that dresses in steampunk-style clothes, and needed this gun to complete his look for the next Steampunk convention he was attending.
Merging that into my love of lighting and electricity, my most recent creation was a steampunk lamp. The reception of eBay was surprisingly good for my first attempt. I already have lots of great ideas for the next one, which I'll be working on during my Christmas vacation.
Steampunk Creations: https://plus.google.com/photos/116060370254255246168/albums/5928810483019622001?authkey=CMW_4_jK5-qjcg
I hope you've enjoyed reading this. Have a great holiday and a wonderful new year!!
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
-Steve
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Mpnths Since Surgery: 17
Weight Lost: 220lbs
That's like carrying around a very well fed, good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Brain Lag
Hi everyone! It's been a busy couple months since I last wrote. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. A real whirlwind time of the year, as you all know!
It was a season of firsts for me: First time I was able to walk the entire Halloween route with the kids and not be winded (or even sweat) once. The first time I was able to eat 6oz of food in one sitting... and ironically that meal was Thanksgiving dinner. And it was the first Christmas in a LOOooooong time that I received clothes that were actually the right size or even slightly big.
I've been struggling with the extreme disconnect between my mental self image and the image other see of me. In my mind, I am still the 400+ lb Steve I've known for the past 10+ years, struggling to lean over to get things, winded when taking a flight of steps, and too big to wear normal clothing. While logically I can read the scale and see that I've lost alot of weight, and I can physically see myself in a mirror and see that my body size has shrunk, my brain hasn't caught up.
Old behaviors, or rather coping mechanisms, I needed when I was so overweight are still with me, even though I don't need them anymore. For example, when I need to pick something up, I lean on something (counter top, table, chair, another person) to bend over and get it, because when I had all that weight on me, it was hard to keep my balance and even harder to get back up. But now, holding onto something actually restricts my movements and I'm not able to reach things unless I remember that I don't need to do that, and instead just lean down normally, in which case I can easily reach the floor and pick up whatever it is that I needed.
In reading other blogs and talking to other people who have had similar levels of weight loss, I've learned that it will take quite a while for my brain to catch up with my body; perhaps years to completely catch up. In the mean time, I'll continue to try to remember that I'm not as big as I once was, and use that to help me through those rare occasions when I question my decision to go this route. That's an issue I don't think will ever go away completely, but it is at least on the decline.
Another strange thing has happened in the last two months: I'm cold! All the time!! I don't mean "chilly" or "slightly chilled"... I'm actually REALLY COLD! This is a new experience for me in my life. I have always been warm, even in the dead of winter, I wear shorts and t-shirts to keep myself from overheating. 72deg was a sauna in my mind. But now that I've lost that layer of fat insulation so rapidly, my body can't regulate it's own temperature anymore.
It's gotten so bad that while sitting in my home office I'll sometimes wear two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, with a jacket on top, and a hat! I have to sit on my hands to keep them warm enough that I can type. There are plenty of you reading this right now laughing yourself silly! Go ahead, enjoy it while you can. My brain and body will get reconnected some day and I'll go back to my normal hot-Steve. :-)
I'm in California this week. It's been a few months since my last visit to my employer (http://www.wonderware.com), so it is nice to be back in the land of sun and fun. Unfortunately, they are having a cold spell. At least I don't feel bad about being cold in Southern CA. hehe.
On a final note, I have continued my exercise since September. It's been hard, mainly because I hate exercise, even after losing weight. It's just the thought of expending all that energy without any immediate results; I mean, honestly, if I'm going to work up a sweat doing something, I want significant change - like a new garden at the end of the day, or a pile of wood split, or a room painted. Having a pile of sweat-soaked clothes at the end of the workout is not what I would call rewarding. But, then again, let's be honest here: That's the attitude that got me to where I was in June. So, let's not lend too much credit to that mindset, ok?
That's it for me today. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 225
Weight Lost: 172lbs
That's like carrying around a good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
It was a season of firsts for me: First time I was able to walk the entire Halloween route with the kids and not be winded (or even sweat) once. The first time I was able to eat 6oz of food in one sitting... and ironically that meal was Thanksgiving dinner. And it was the first Christmas in a LOOooooong time that I received clothes that were actually the right size or even slightly big.
I've been struggling with the extreme disconnect between my mental self image and the image other see of me. In my mind, I am still the 400+ lb Steve I've known for the past 10+ years, struggling to lean over to get things, winded when taking a flight of steps, and too big to wear normal clothing. While logically I can read the scale and see that I've lost alot of weight, and I can physically see myself in a mirror and see that my body size has shrunk, my brain hasn't caught up.
Old behaviors, or rather coping mechanisms, I needed when I was so overweight are still with me, even though I don't need them anymore. For example, when I need to pick something up, I lean on something (counter top, table, chair, another person) to bend over and get it, because when I had all that weight on me, it was hard to keep my balance and even harder to get back up. But now, holding onto something actually restricts my movements and I'm not able to reach things unless I remember that I don't need to do that, and instead just lean down normally, in which case I can easily reach the floor and pick up whatever it is that I needed.
In reading other blogs and talking to other people who have had similar levels of weight loss, I've learned that it will take quite a while for my brain to catch up with my body; perhaps years to completely catch up. In the mean time, I'll continue to try to remember that I'm not as big as I once was, and use that to help me through those rare occasions when I question my decision to go this route. That's an issue I don't think will ever go away completely, but it is at least on the decline.
Another strange thing has happened in the last two months: I'm cold! All the time!! I don't mean "chilly" or "slightly chilled"... I'm actually REALLY COLD! This is a new experience for me in my life. I have always been warm, even in the dead of winter, I wear shorts and t-shirts to keep myself from overheating. 72deg was a sauna in my mind. But now that I've lost that layer of fat insulation so rapidly, my body can't regulate it's own temperature anymore.
It's gotten so bad that while sitting in my home office I'll sometimes wear two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, with a jacket on top, and a hat! I have to sit on my hands to keep them warm enough that I can type. There are plenty of you reading this right now laughing yourself silly! Go ahead, enjoy it while you can. My brain and body will get reconnected some day and I'll go back to my normal hot-Steve. :-)
I'm in California this week. It's been a few months since my last visit to my employer (http://www.wonderware.com), so it is nice to be back in the land of sun and fun. Unfortunately, they are having a cold spell. At least I don't feel bad about being cold in Southern CA. hehe.
On a final note, I have continued my exercise since September. It's been hard, mainly because I hate exercise, even after losing weight. It's just the thought of expending all that energy without any immediate results; I mean, honestly, if I'm going to work up a sweat doing something, I want significant change - like a new garden at the end of the day, or a pile of wood split, or a room painted. Having a pile of sweat-soaked clothes at the end of the workout is not what I would call rewarding. But, then again, let's be honest here: That's the attitude that got me to where I was in June. So, let's not lend too much credit to that mindset, ok?
That's it for me today. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 225
Weight Lost: 172lbs
That's like carrying around a good sized adult, wrapped around your waist and chest, all day, every day.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
New Beginnings ... no, really!
How cliche'... "New Beginnings" - I can barely bring myself to keep this as the subject line, but it's actually quite appropriate. It's been about two months since I wrote a new Blog entry. A few things have happened that I want to tell you about. Here it goes!
I started a new job last month, leaving my job at JPL in Harrisburg, PA (http://www.jplcreative.com). I worked with some fantastically creative people and made good friends while I was there. It was a painful decision, but ultimately I needed to take a chance to go back to my passion, which is Manufacturing Automation; robots, conveyors, assembly machines, etc. Writing software that can control a factory full of machinery is as much about art as it is science and technology. There's nothing more satisfying to me than being able to watch my team's creation come to life on the factory floor and build something brand new!
Along with the new job came a new office; my HOME office! I get to work from home, which really means I have to be a super-responsible adult (hey - stop laughing! I can do it... REALLY!) keep myself focused and get my work done, which means I need a room to myself which I can call my office. It was decided I would take over the guest bedroom as my office.
For most people, converting a bedroom into an office was a simple task: move out a piece of furniture or two, then slide in a desk and off ya go! Much to Holly's chagrin, my conversion was much more involved, and little did she know that my intent all along was to take over the entire room. I started by removing every shred of evidence that this was once a bedroom, followed closely by a trip to IKEA for a desk set that I found only after an entire month of heavy research into my options. I'm a "Bigger is Better" kinda guy when it comes to desks; you can never have too much desk space. The same goes for tech - you can never have too many computers or (God forbid) too much monitor. As some of you know, I love my 30" monitor - so much so that I am planning to get a second one, which will go nicely with the three 24" monitors that my new employer is providing. I'll post pics when I get all the hardware setup.
I started a new eating regimen last month as I turned the corner at 3 months post-surgery, so my new "rest of my life" eating plan has been taking shape ever since. No more baby food or restrictive liquid intakes - it's all I care to eat and whatever I can keep down. Well, it won't always be that way, but for now it's working just fine, the weight keeps falling off. The main reason is that I can't eat much at all! For example, if we're having chicken for dinner I'll be able to eat about 1/4 of a boneless breast - about 4-5oz, along with a spoonful or two of rice or some other light side dish. That's it. I'll be full for HOURS after that. I estimate that I'm taking in about 300-400 calories a day, max.
And finally, I started to exercise last month. A fantastic friend, Bill, has unwittingly become my personal trainer. We started off slowly, but over the past several weeks we have worked up to 45 minutes of walking. He runs before AND after meeting with me for the walk, so he's definitely not the one working out during our walks. :-)
That's the summary of the last two months. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 120
Weight Lost: 118 lbs
That's like carrying around a 7th grader, or perhaps three 3rd graders, all day.
-Steve
I started a new job last month, leaving my job at JPL in Harrisburg, PA (http://www.jplcreative.com). I worked with some fantastically creative people and made good friends while I was there. It was a painful decision, but ultimately I needed to take a chance to go back to my passion, which is Manufacturing Automation; robots, conveyors, assembly machines, etc. Writing software that can control a factory full of machinery is as much about art as it is science and technology. There's nothing more satisfying to me than being able to watch my team's creation come to life on the factory floor and build something brand new!
Along with the new job came a new office; my HOME office! I get to work from home, which really means I have to be a super-responsible adult (hey - stop laughing! I can do it... REALLY!) keep myself focused and get my work done, which means I need a room to myself which I can call my office. It was decided I would take over the guest bedroom as my office.
For most people, converting a bedroom into an office was a simple task: move out a piece of furniture or two, then slide in a desk and off ya go! Much to Holly's chagrin, my conversion was much more involved, and little did she know that my intent all along was to take over the entire room. I started by removing every shred of evidence that this was once a bedroom, followed closely by a trip to IKEA for a desk set that I found only after an entire month of heavy research into my options. I'm a "Bigger is Better" kinda guy when it comes to desks; you can never have too much desk space. The same goes for tech - you can never have too many computers or (God forbid) too much monitor. As some of you know, I love my 30" monitor - so much so that I am planning to get a second one, which will go nicely with the three 24" monitors that my new employer is providing. I'll post pics when I get all the hardware setup.
I started a new eating regimen last month as I turned the corner at 3 months post-surgery, so my new "rest of my life" eating plan has been taking shape ever since. No more baby food or restrictive liquid intakes - it's all I care to eat and whatever I can keep down. Well, it won't always be that way, but for now it's working just fine, the weight keeps falling off. The main reason is that I can't eat much at all! For example, if we're having chicken for dinner I'll be able to eat about 1/4 of a boneless breast - about 4-5oz, along with a spoonful or two of rice or some other light side dish. That's it. I'll be full for HOURS after that. I estimate that I'm taking in about 300-400 calories a day, max.
And finally, I started to exercise last month. A fantastic friend, Bill, has unwittingly become my personal trainer. We started off slowly, but over the past several weeks we have worked up to 45 minutes of walking. He runs before AND after meeting with me for the walk, so he's definitely not the one working out during our walks. :-)
That's the summary of the last two months. Lots of new stuff to explore, and luckily lots of old friends keeping me on the straight and narrow with this weight loss thing.
Thanks to each of you for your help, support, and patience!!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 120
Weight Lost: 118 lbs
That's like carrying around a 7th grader, or perhaps three 3rd graders, all day.
-Steve
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Yummy Food!
Hello everyone!
I've started this post three times in as many weeks, but they all sounded so damned depressing I decided to hold off until my mood changed and I could write something that didn't sound like it started with: "It was a dark and stormy night..."
It's been 6 weeks since my surgery, and in some ways it seems longer, but in other ways it seems like it was just a week ago. This morning I went to the surgeon's office for my 6 week follow-up visit, which went wonderfully! He cleared me to resume any and all physical activity (watch out ladies!), and said I should resume a more normal variety of foods, as long as I can tolerate them.
I am SO excited! Woot!
I've been spending alot of time experimenting with foods. One area that has really stumped me since I started on soft foods several weeks ago, was SNACKS. You know, those things that you eat around 3:00 because you aren't still full from lunch, but you gotta make it through until dinner, but if you don't eat something you're gonna freak! Yeah, those things.
I decided the best thing to do was to go grocery shopping for the family and use that time to find foods that I could enjoy as snacks. I usually do a lot of the grocery shopping but in the past few months I haven't done it much at all. In fact, this was the first time I had walked into the grocery store since my surgery.
I set off with my extremely detailed shopping list, sorted by isle and then alphabetically within each isle, expected prices and quantity I needed, with coupons cross-referenced on another sheet so I didn't miss any. [ok, you can stop rolling your eyes now!]
I started in the fruit and veggie isle. I looked up from my shopping list and came to a complete stop!
Everything looked SO green and FRESH! OMG! You have no idea how appetizing and delicious it all looked! I'd spent the last 5 1/2 weeks eating bland protein drinks and baby food. Seeing the big red tomatoes, piles of bright yellow corn on the cob, forest-green avocados, glistening oranges, and campaign-pink peaches all laid out in huge displays was like seeing a rainbow for the first time in my life. I just stood there, for what seemed like minutes, list dangling in my hand, drinking in the view!
This will give you an idea of what it was like. :-)
I picked one of each of these:
I did the same for Greek Yogurts:
And finally, I picked up some Tofu. Yes, folks, you read correctly: TOFU! I've been doing some reading on it and figured - it's super packed with protein, so I decided to give it a try! We'll see how it goes.
More on the taste tests and my preferences in my next post!
On another good note, I've finally gotten the hang of getting enough water into my system. As I suspected, it's a matter of having a glass of water or other liquid in your hand or right next to you, every waking hour of the day. Sounds arduous, but it's become pretty easy now that I've gotten in the habit. But never fear - you won't ever find me wandering in the house or work sporting one of those 128oz water jugs, conspicuously demonstrating my need to consume water. :-)
That's it for now. Thanks for your patience and keep up the good fight!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 38
Weight Lost: 71 lbs
That's Like Carrying Around: One of these!
I've started this post three times in as many weeks, but they all sounded so damned depressing I decided to hold off until my mood changed and I could write something that didn't sound like it started with: "It was a dark and stormy night..."
It's been 6 weeks since my surgery, and in some ways it seems longer, but in other ways it seems like it was just a week ago. This morning I went to the surgeon's office for my 6 week follow-up visit, which went wonderfully! He cleared me to resume any and all physical activity (watch out ladies!), and said I should resume a more normal variety of foods, as long as I can tolerate them.
I am SO excited! Woot!
I've been spending alot of time experimenting with foods. One area that has really stumped me since I started on soft foods several weeks ago, was SNACKS. You know, those things that you eat around 3:00 because you aren't still full from lunch, but you gotta make it through until dinner, but if you don't eat something you're gonna freak! Yeah, those things.
I decided the best thing to do was to go grocery shopping for the family and use that time to find foods that I could enjoy as snacks. I usually do a lot of the grocery shopping but in the past few months I haven't done it much at all. In fact, this was the first time I had walked into the grocery store since my surgery.
I set off with my extremely detailed shopping list, sorted by isle and then alphabetically within each isle, expected prices and quantity I needed, with coupons cross-referenced on another sheet so I didn't miss any. [ok, you can stop rolling your eyes now!]
I started in the fruit and veggie isle. I looked up from my shopping list and came to a complete stop!
Everything looked SO green and FRESH! OMG! You have no idea how appetizing and delicious it all looked! I'd spent the last 5 1/2 weeks eating bland protein drinks and baby food. Seeing the big red tomatoes, piles of bright yellow corn on the cob, forest-green avocados, glistening oranges, and campaign-pink peaches all laid out in huge displays was like seeing a rainbow for the first time in my life. I just stood there, for what seemed like minutes, list dangling in my hand, drinking in the view!
This will give you an idea of what it was like. :-)
I picked one of each of these:
Apple (Red Delicious) Apple (Macintosh)BananaPeach (Locally grown)Green Grapes (1lb bunch)Watermelon (seedless)Then I wandered over to the Organic / All Natural area and picked up 5 protein bars, each a different flavor and from a different company.
CLIF Builder Bar - Chocolate ChipLUNA Bar - Peanut Butter CookieGenisoy - Creamy Peanut YogurtThink Thin - Creamy Peanut ButterBalance Bar - Peanut ButterDo you detect a theme here? :) As you all know, I don't like chocolate, so the first one made it onto the list only because the picture made it look more like a cookie than a chocolate bar.
I did the same for Greek Yogurts:
Chobani - Non-Fat PlainOIKOS - Honey VanillaNext it was on to the meat isle. I can have any kind of meat I want, but need to be careful about red meats since they usually cause an issue until about 7 or 8 months out from surgery. I'm sticking with Chicken and Fish for now. Got some frozen shrimp. Yum!
And finally, I picked up some Tofu. Yes, folks, you read correctly: TOFU! I've been doing some reading on it and figured - it's super packed with protein, so I decided to give it a try! We'll see how it goes.
More on the taste tests and my preferences in my next post!
On another good note, I've finally gotten the hang of getting enough water into my system. As I suspected, it's a matter of having a glass of water or other liquid in your hand or right next to you, every waking hour of the day. Sounds arduous, but it's become pretty easy now that I've gotten in the habit. But never fear - you won't ever find me wandering in the house or work sporting one of those 128oz water jugs, conspicuously demonstrating my need to consume water. :-)
That's it for now. Thanks for your patience and keep up the good fight!
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 38
Weight Lost: 71 lbs
That's Like Carrying Around: One of these!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Meds and Mourning
Went to the doctor's yesterday for my three-week follow-up. I mentioned I was having some pain when I took one of my meds, due to it being a pill instead of chewable or liquid, he said: "Oh, that's typical for gastric bypass patients; your stomach can't handle those hard pills yet. Wait 5 or 6 months and you'll be fine. In the mean time they have a liquid form. I'll write you a script." Got the script filled on the way home. Problem solved.
Took my first dose of it this morning and promptly lost all 2oz of my breakfast.
I should have read the directions more closely. Apparently I got the "concentrated" formula which means I should mix it with something instead of taking it straight. The word "Vile" (yeah, that's a capital V) describes the taste of this undiluted liquid med. I can choke down cough medicines, huge pills, and even over-cooked spinach, but this stuff?! No way. Ugggh! It's been over 4 hours and I can still taste it, even though I've gargled and rinsed two times. Lesson learned.
Now for something completely different. :-)
I've recently read that most men are reluctant to talk about their emotions. It's a learned behaviour. I won't go into any kind of discourse as to why this is right or wrong, or who's fault it is that men remain mute about their emotions, even in situations where it is perfectly appropriate (and expected) to discuss how they feel.
Instead, I will talk about some of the feelings in my emotional cache that have been bubbling up to the top lately.
Four days after my surgery I started thinking about the things I wouldn't be able to eat. Those things which, even two years from now, I wouldn't be allowed to have. And none of that bothered me. But, then I realized, even those things I could have (like a cheeseburger), I wouldn't be able to have a normal portion ever again. That really depressed me. I started thinking about how much I enjoyed chowing on those big portions, and drinking soda... I'll never be able to do that again (physically), and that realization started me spiraling down into a deep, dark emotional place.
At that moment, and for days after, I couldn't figure out how I allowed myself to have the surgery! What the hell was I thinking?!!? I was mad at myself for not trying harder to lose weight without the surgery. I started wondering if it was too late to go back and have it reversed.
It was bad.
[Deep breath]
I did some reading over the next few days and discovered that post-op depression is extremely common among gastric bypass patients. One author likened the feelings to those experienced by people mourning the loss of a loved one.
In this case, though, the loved one is FOOD. Much like a great friend or family member, food has always been there, ready to comfort me. No matter what, I could always depend on a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich to sooth my nerves. But now, after surgery, I've had the hard realization that many important aspects of that friend will never again be accessible to me: breads, pasta, carbonation, and sugars. And more importantly, that I am forever restricted in how much of that friend I can enjoy at one time.
Mourning the loss of a friend sucks.
I'm doing better now, emotionally, but I still have days where things seem overwhelmingly tough to deal with. Most of the time it's because I haven't had enough water, or tried something new and my stomach is protesting. It's at those times, now, that I find myself reaching for the phone to call a friend, rather than heading to the kitchen to find one.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. This has been a humbling experience. I'm grateful to have such great friends to lean on each day.
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 24
Weight Lost: 62 lbs
That's Like Carrying Around: Twelve 5lb bags of sugar
Took my first dose of it this morning and promptly lost all 2oz of my breakfast.
I should have read the directions more closely. Apparently I got the "concentrated" formula which means I should mix it with something instead of taking it straight. The word "Vile" (yeah, that's a capital V) describes the taste of this undiluted liquid med. I can choke down cough medicines, huge pills, and even over-cooked spinach, but this stuff?! No way. Ugggh! It's been over 4 hours and I can still taste it, even though I've gargled and rinsed two times. Lesson learned.
Now for something completely different. :-)
I've recently read that most men are reluctant to talk about their emotions. It's a learned behaviour. I won't go into any kind of discourse as to why this is right or wrong, or who's fault it is that men remain mute about their emotions, even in situations where it is perfectly appropriate (and expected) to discuss how they feel.
Instead, I will talk about some of the feelings in my emotional cache that have been bubbling up to the top lately.
Four days after my surgery I started thinking about the things I wouldn't be able to eat. Those things which, even two years from now, I wouldn't be allowed to have. And none of that bothered me. But, then I realized, even those things I could have (like a cheeseburger), I wouldn't be able to have a normal portion ever again. That really depressed me. I started thinking about how much I enjoyed chowing on those big portions, and drinking soda... I'll never be able to do that again (physically), and that realization started me spiraling down into a deep, dark emotional place.
At that moment, and for days after, I couldn't figure out how I allowed myself to have the surgery! What the hell was I thinking?!!? I was mad at myself for not trying harder to lose weight without the surgery. I started wondering if it was too late to go back and have it reversed.
It was bad.
[Deep breath]
I did some reading over the next few days and discovered that post-op depression is extremely common among gastric bypass patients. One author likened the feelings to those experienced by people mourning the loss of a loved one.
In this case, though, the loved one is FOOD. Much like a great friend or family member, food has always been there, ready to comfort me. No matter what, I could always depend on a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich to sooth my nerves. But now, after surgery, I've had the hard realization that many important aspects of that friend will never again be accessible to me: breads, pasta, carbonation, and sugars. And more importantly, that I am forever restricted in how much of that friend I can enjoy at one time.
Mourning the loss of a friend sucks.
I'm doing better now, emotionally, but I still have days where things seem overwhelmingly tough to deal with. Most of the time it's because I haven't had enough water, or tried something new and my stomach is protesting. It's at those times, now, that I find myself reaching for the phone to call a friend, rather than heading to the kitchen to find one.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. This has been a humbling experience. I'm grateful to have such great friends to lean on each day.
Weight Loss Update:
Surgery Date: 6/4/2012
Days Since Surgery: 24
Weight Lost: 62 lbs
That's Like Carrying Around: Twelve 5lb bags of sugar
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Red Herring
It's been a bit since my last post, mainly due to a week-long family vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC that we booked and paid for over a year ago. The only way I was gonna miss this trip was if I was still in the hospital with at least three machines hooked up to me. I give a specific number like that because the missing this vacation due to just two machines was not gonna happen; I have two hands, one machine per hand... I'm going!
Luckily, I didn't have to resort to checking myself out of the hospital at the chagrin of the wonderful doctors and nurses that took such great care of me. Instead, I hopped in the family-mobile and we drove 10 hrs (including TONS of stops for me to get out and walk around) to Myrtle. We had friends that joined us down there, so we made a great time of it, despite the fact I had to sit in the hotel room most of the time, recuperating.
The term Red Herring is extremely applicable to the issues I've faced this past week.
Folks use Red Herring when referring to something that is ultimately discovered to be a diversion from the real truth. Magicians use their hands, face and voice to draw attention while performing complex slight-of-hand tricks, causing the audience to look one way, while the true trick is being done elsewhere.
At a deeper level, though, the real falsehood is this: there is no such thing as a Red Herring. Herring fish are not red, nor is there a red variant. Rather, Red Herring refers to a fish (usually Herring, but not always) that has been soaked in a brine so long that it causes the flesh to turn a shade of red.
My physical recovery from the surgery has been fast and relatively painless. My laparoscopic incisions are healing nicely, and I no longer have the searing pain in my abdominal muscles when I sneeze or get out of a chair. I report all of this with a slight air of disbelief, even though the evidence is right in front of me. I expected much more pain for a longer time, with the physical recovery taking a significantly longer time than it has.
More surprisingly though is the amount of difficulty I am having getting my head around my new eating schedule and requirements for water intake. I've mentioned about the water intake in a previous post. It's gotten slightly better, but it hasn't yet progressed to the point where it's easy to get 64oz of fluids into me, 2oz at a time.
As everyone knows, I'm a serious research hound. I spend dozens of hours a week researching everything that interests me, so imagine the time I put into researching Gastric Bypass Surgery!
All the things I read about prolonged physical recovery from the surgery were a Red Herring indeed. But at a deeper level, even while chastising myself for not seeing through the ruse of that Red Herring, I have found there is no Red Herring at all, because there simply is no easy path from Morbidly Obese to Healthy.
Luckily, I didn't have to resort to checking myself out of the hospital at the chagrin of the wonderful doctors and nurses that took such great care of me. Instead, I hopped in the family-mobile and we drove 10 hrs (including TONS of stops for me to get out and walk around) to Myrtle. We had friends that joined us down there, so we made a great time of it, despite the fact I had to sit in the hotel room most of the time, recuperating.
The term Red Herring is extremely applicable to the issues I've faced this past week.
Folks use Red Herring when referring to something that is ultimately discovered to be a diversion from the real truth. Magicians use their hands, face and voice to draw attention while performing complex slight-of-hand tricks, causing the audience to look one way, while the true trick is being done elsewhere.
At a deeper level, though, the real falsehood is this: there is no such thing as a Red Herring. Herring fish are not red, nor is there a red variant. Rather, Red Herring refers to a fish (usually Herring, but not always) that has been soaked in a brine so long that it causes the flesh to turn a shade of red.
My physical recovery from the surgery has been fast and relatively painless. My laparoscopic incisions are healing nicely, and I no longer have the searing pain in my abdominal muscles when I sneeze or get out of a chair. I report all of this with a slight air of disbelief, even though the evidence is right in front of me. I expected much more pain for a longer time, with the physical recovery taking a significantly longer time than it has.
More surprisingly though is the amount of difficulty I am having getting my head around my new eating schedule and requirements for water intake. I've mentioned about the water intake in a previous post. It's gotten slightly better, but it hasn't yet progressed to the point where it's easy to get 64oz of fluids into me, 2oz at a time.
As everyone knows, I'm a serious research hound. I spend dozens of hours a week researching everything that interests me, so imagine the time I put into researching Gastric Bypass Surgery!
All the things I read about prolonged physical recovery from the surgery were a Red Herring indeed. But at a deeper level, even while chastising myself for not seeing through the ruse of that Red Herring, I have found there is no Red Herring at all, because there simply is no easy path from Morbidly Obese to Healthy.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Balancing Act
I think most people reach a point in their lives where they find themselves highly adept at balancing the huge array of things going on in their lives. Work, school, kids, friends, bills, cars, yardwork, neighbors, etc. And when something new comes in, they simply put the other items on pause, assimilate the new thing, and rebalance everything and get back on track. I'm the same way, and humbly consider myself quite good at it.
That is, until I got this surgery.
My diet is changing about every 7 to 14 days, new foods are being added while the ones from the previous weeks still remain, but are augmented in some way to help me further along my recovery. The goal of each stage in my recovery diet is to continue to allow my new 4oz stomach to heal, while getting ready for the next stage in foods which slowly inch their way towards solid foods.
The nurses told me several times that post-operative eating would be similar to a baby's diet: at first, just liquids, then blenderized foods, then soft foods with chunks, then less soft, and finally solid foods. This transision may take a baby a few years. I will be back to solid foods in about 4 months.
At this stage in my recovery, I'm supposed to be consuming three meals a day, consisting of 2oz of protein rich yogurt, pudding, or jello. This may not seem like alot, but believe me when I tell you, that 2oz is totally satisfying. I'm quite full when I'm done eating it.
Yeah, that surprises the hell outta me too! ;-)
Like a good card game, though, the diet has two seemingly simple, and basic rules:
I feel like I'm missing something important in that equation. Meh. I'll sleep on it and see what my subconscious can come up with.
-Steve
That is, until I got this surgery.
My diet is changing about every 7 to 14 days, new foods are being added while the ones from the previous weeks still remain, but are augmented in some way to help me further along my recovery. The goal of each stage in my recovery diet is to continue to allow my new 4oz stomach to heal, while getting ready for the next stage in foods which slowly inch their way towards solid foods.
The nurses told me several times that post-operative eating would be similar to a baby's diet: at first, just liquids, then blenderized foods, then soft foods with chunks, then less soft, and finally solid foods. This transision may take a baby a few years. I will be back to solid foods in about 4 months.
At this stage in my recovery, I'm supposed to be consuming three meals a day, consisting of 2oz of protein rich yogurt, pudding, or jello. This may not seem like alot, but believe me when I tell you, that 2oz is totally satisfying. I'm quite full when I'm done eating it.
Yeah, that surprises the hell outta me too! ;-)
Like a good card game, though, the diet has two seemingly simple, and basic rules:
- Must drink 64 oz of clear liquids a day.
- Must eat three 2 oz meals a day.
- Cannot drink more than 1 oz of clear liquid in 15 minutes.
- Each 2 oz meal must take 30 to 45 minutes to eat.
- Cannot drink 30 minutes before, during, or 30 minutes after a meal.
- I must drink 64 ounces of water a day, but I can only drink it at a rate of 1oz per 15 minutes, or 4oz an hour, max, which means 16 hours to consume 64 oz.
- Each meal takes 1 1/2 hours to complete, or 4 1/2 hours a day, during which time I can't drink
I feel like I'm missing something important in that equation. Meh. I'll sleep on it and see what my subconscious can come up with.
-Steve
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